Picasso here, with an update. The big news is that all the Human Beans seem to have disappeared, leaving the world in the hands of us critters and plants (though the plants don’t seem to have too much to say about all this). I’m reaching out to anyone who’s still at a computer. I would love to hear from anyone, human or non, who can explain to me what the cat has happened!
This is such a serious event that I have been forced to break the sacred doggie oath and reveal that we dogs are just as smart (if not twice as smart) as your average Human Bean and have learned everything the Beans can do so long as it doesn’t require a thumb to do it. I have heard from three other dogs since my first posting, and one of them, a cute poodle named GeeGee, has already shown up. She’s a very smart doggie!
It didn’t take her long to figure out how to break me out of here (all the doors are locked!). You know what she did? She ran around the house three or four times barking and taking time to sniff stuff, of course. Last time I took a walk I smelled eighteen hundred and sixty-two smells just up and down the block and GeeGee alone was about twenty of them. Yeah, I can tell you now we dogs smell piles of stuff, and I don’t mean just poo-piles!
For example, Mr. Jenkins, our neighbor, went out for a couple of hours two nights ago and came back with an angry look on his face. When I took my bedtime walk I peed on the tire of his 1998 BMW 3 series and I smelled eighteen different smells, like where he stepped, where the door handles were touched, the butt of a cigarette he was smoking, and so on. And this is what I figured out: Mr Jenkins went to a bar around the corner and met a lady wearing cheap perfume and a black dress. I had found and smelled a black thread on the passenger side and it didn’t belong to Mrs. Jenkins! Mr. Jenkins and the lady in the black dress drank daiquiris… at least he did, I could still smell his breath in the air. Then they got in his car and while they were driving he was stopped by a policeman (I caught the smell of his badge when it contacted the lowered driverside window) who almost gave Mr. Jenkins a ticket for drunk driving, but didn’t cause the lady said it was her fault, that she was the one who had been drinking and called Mr. Jenkins to drive her home (she had leaned over and touched the cop’s arm, the rest I surmised) .
The lady batted her eyelashes at the policeman and the policeman let Mr. Jenkins go, but gave him a ticket for a burnt out brake light. Everything but the brake light I got from the door handles and footprints. I smelled the burnt out filament in the brake light so I put two and two together… the burnt smell of the brake light and the smell of the summons which was transferred to the door handle when he closed the door.
I also noticed Mr. Jenkins was home about ninety minutes after he left, which explains why he had an angry look on his face (us dogs can smell anger and other emotions, too. Anger lasts up to six days, as does envy and lust. Human love disappears in thirty-six minutes). Obviously things didn’t go well with the strange perfumed lady in the short black dress after he was stopped by the police and he just dropped her off. So he didn’t get what he wanted and he got what he didn’t want…. a ticket! Anyway, now you know what us dogs are doing when we pee on a tire… it’s better than reading the gossip column!
Getting back to GeeGee, she ran around and smelled everything, but I could see from the window that all this sniffing didn’t give her a clue as to what has happened to all the Beans. Then I tapped my paw on the window, got her attention and moved my head toward the front door and shrugged. She got my meaning quick… locked in! Then you know what she did? She ran around the house two or three more times and found little Timmy’s Radio Flyer. She aimed the wagon at one of the basement windows and pushed with all her cute little poodle might, and you know what? The wagon went flying toward the window, clattering over some gravel and, WHAM!, busted right through the glass and landed on the basement floor. I ran to the basement stairs and the next thing I knew GeeGee was right beside me. So that’s how me and GeeGee met. Dog is good! And it’s no mistake that dog is god spelled backwards… it’s all in the secret doggie oath from way back in Egyptland!