Dog Blog Vol. I #3

Hello out there!  Picasso here.  Not the painter, the dog!  Me and GeeGee have been having a great time.  Today we went looking to see what we could find out there.   Maybe some answers to where all the Human Beans have gone. GeeGee has kind of taken charge and leads the way without asking, but she’s so cute, and, of course,  I get to follow up the rear… I mean GeeGee’s rear! For a dog that’s like going to the movies and a perfume shop to boot!

We went down to the corner first and there were no Human Beans anywhere.  The traffic lights were still working, but the garbage hadn’t been picked up. We saw some cats prowling around but we ignored them.  Back in Egyptland where all us dogs come from, cats were special.  The people back then worshipped cats and all sorts of animals, like sheep and jackals.  They even made mummies out of cats.  That’s right!  They would make a dead Bean into a mummy and bury a cat alongside to keep him company on the other side. Which shows that cats aren’t as smart as they pretend to be, otherwise there wouldn’t be so many cat mummies and so few dog mummies.  In fact, we went the other way to make ourselves look as ungod-like as possible.  That’s right!  You probably don’t know that dogs don’t need to hang their tongues out all the time.  I know the dog books tell you it’s to let off heat cause we don’t sweat like the BEans do,  being all covered in fur as we are,  and that could be true to a certain extent.  At first, way back in Egyptland, all the dogs kept their tongues in because they thought it was more dignified.  Then one day the Egyptians started looking at us like maybe we might be gods too.  Why not, everybody else was, even sheep, and if you’ve ever had a conversation with a sheep you know they don’t have too much to offer except “baa” this and “baa” that.  Baa, baa, baa, which is where we get the expression “blah, blah, blah”.  That’s right!  From way back in Egyptland.

The wise Elder Dogs back then knew that to be a god wasn’t such a hot idea cause you might end up like the cats, in a mummy case for eternity with some dumb noble guy.  The Elders back then got the idea that we all should hang our tongues out and pant when people looked at us so we would look kind of dumb and not worth worshipping.  And then we had that crazy look in our eyes that says:  “Feed me. P-l-e-a-s-e!” all the time.  Well the whole effect, tongue and eyes and all was so silly looking that the Egyptlanders just let us alone and paid attention to the cats instead, much to the felines’ detriment.  That’s why me and GeeGee didn’t try to get any info from the cats we saw, they being so dumb and pretending to be so smart.

We turned right down Raceway Boulevard and trotted about half a click to the Belvedere Mall to see what was up… and nothing was!  It was just the same. The Beans were gone!  Gone, gone GONE!  All the shops were empty.  The lights were still on but a few fluorescents were flickering already.  GeeGee said everything was running on generators and when the gas ran out that would be the end of all the lights.  That’s when I got nervous.  What about the internet?  Was that going to stop, too?  GeeGee didn’t think so.  She said the internet ran on radioactive stuff and that it would be a thousand years before that runs out.  I hope she’s right.  Do you think she is??

GeeGee then got hot on the trail of something and sniffed and sniffed till she found a camping store next to a Cinnebone shop.  She looked back at me and I followed her in. GeeGee found a backpack that would fit me, put it over my head and hooked the Velcro strap around my middle with her teeth.  Then, just for the heck of it, we smelled each other’s poo places for a minute.  It was kind of spontaneous and dogmantic, you know, there with all the camping gear and all.  I started to get more interested still, but GeeGee ran off yapping from all the fun she was having teasing me.

She put a bunch of stuff in the backpack;  glow sticks (she bit one to show me how it lit up), some nylon rope, a couple of rain coats that were meant for kids but would fit a dog, a knife with a bunch of different tools and a pair of night vision binoculars. She held those up to my eyes with her mouth and let me look. Everything lit up like a Christmas tree!  Who was this chick?   It was like she was getting us ready to climb Mt. Everest!   When I asked her she wouldn’t answer, just lifted her hind leg and peed on a Coleman lantern. I guess she told me!

After all that we went next door to the Cinnebone shop and ate about six slightly stale Cinnebones each.  If you know anything about us dogs, it’s that we’ll eat just about anything if it’s within reach cause we’re always h-u-u-n-g-r-y! So even stale stuff is quite a treat.  It’s like our stomachs are a portal to another dimension.  No one knows where all the stuff goes!  I remember I once grabbed a baked potato back in the day wrapped in Reynolds Wrap.  Well, of course, I ate it all, foil and everything!   My people were searching my poo for a week looking for that silvery stuff. You should have seen them!  It was like they were prospecting for gold or something, but they never found a shred of it.  I could have told them it all probably went through that portal into another dimension to be recycled… Some backward dimension where it came out another Picasso’s mouth all wrapped up in foil like I found it.  Then the backwards Picasso put it back on the counter from where he stole it.  I know that’s pretty deep for a Human Bean to understand, but I couldn’t explain it to them anyway because, you know, the secret sacred doggie oath wouldn’t let me!

Me and GeeGee stuffed ourselves until our teeth started hurting from all the sugar. Then we rolled onto our backs with our legs straight up in the air which is the best position for proper doggie digestion.


“Yes, GeeGee?”

“Do you notice anything funny?”

“You mean on the ceiling?” I said, staring upward.

“No, not on the ceiling, silly.  All around since we left your house.”

“Well, aside from no people and no cars, not really.”  Then I knew GeeGee was a lot more observant than me and probably a lot smarter, too!  GeeGee rolled over and looked at me sideways.

“Picasso, we haven’t seen a single other dog since we’ve been out!”

“Gosh, you’re right, GeeGee!  Where are all the dogs?  Maybe they’re still locked in their houses like I was.”

“Don’t think so,” GeeGee said.  “I didn’t see any at the windows while we walked here and I didn’t hear any barking either.”

“You’re right again!” I said, rolling over to face her. “And what about all the street dogs? You’d think they’d have been through here like a freight train, but nothing’s been touched!”

“Yep,” GeeGee said, standing up and giving herself a good shake from head to tail.  “Something really funny is going on here!”  Then she peed on the leg of a chair and motioned for me to follow her.

“Where’re we going now?”  I asked after I peed on the same spot she did. I was starting to get a little annoyed at her whole dominance thing. I mean who was the Alpha male, anyway?!

“We’re going to try to find some dogs,” she answered in a slightly superior way.  There was nothing to do but follow her not knowing exactly what she had in mind, but she sniffed, sniffed, sniffed, till she got the scent of what she was after. I sniffed too, but mostly what I got was plastic credit cards from when the Beans were still here.  You can smell a credit card for up to five years.  In fact, the smell gets worse the more a human uses it, and, you know what?  It kind of smells like poo… actually worse than poo cause poo goes away with a good rain but credit card balances last forever!

GeeGee didn’t pay any attention to me, she was hot on some trail. I could barely keep up with her (probably cause of the 6 Cinnabons I just ate), but GeeGee’s little paws were going like windmills in a gale.  She is one cute poodle!  Finally I saw where she was going.  There was a pet shop dead ahead and she ran in yapping her cute little poodle yap.  And you know what?  No doggies barked back!  The parakeets tweeted (they were on Twitter), the tropical fish blew bubbles and the ferrets ferreted, but there wasn’t a single bark!  We went all up and down every aisle and all the dog cages were empty!  The doors were all open and the doggies were gone.  Even the puppies were  gone, gone Gone!!  So we sniffed and sniffed.  We even turned on our HSS (Hyper Sensitive Sniffer), but we couldn’t figure out what had happened. It was like they had disappeared into thin air!

We ran all the way back to my house only stopping to pee ten or twelve times on the run.  Not cause we had to, of course, but because we’re dogs and that’s what dogs do no matter what is happening.  An atom bomb could go off and we’d pee on it.  We’d be vaporized, but you’d still see our shadows etched on some still standing wall with our legs lifted!  Beans were like that too, I think. Only they called it obsessive-compulsive disorder.  It’s always better to be a dog, you know.  The worst they say about you is “Bad Dog! Bad Dog!”  It’s never any nastier than that. We got back to my house and guess who was waiting at the front door peeing on the azalea bushes?  It was Franz! YAH!


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