Dog Blog Vol. I #4

Hello out there! Picasso here.  Not Picasso the painter, the dog!  I’m reaching out to anyone left out there, especially any dogs!  The sacred secret doggie oath is no more, so speak up!  As far as I can tell all the humans have disappeared.  They are all gone. Gone, gone, GONE!

When GeeGee (the cute little poodle from down the block) and me came back from the mall there was a stranger at the door, but I knew immediately it was Franz, the wiener dog (no offense) who emailed me a couple of days ago.  He had made it!  When he saw me and GeeGee his sleepy wiener dog eyes lit up like LEDs and his tongue lolled out the side of his mouth and was so long and he was so short that it dragged on the ground when he ran up to us.  Now that was a sight to see!  There is nothing so funny (no offense) as a wiener dog that’s happy to see you.  Especially a wiener dog wearing a monocle!

His body was so long and with that circle of glass in his eye he looked like a walking telescope!  Yah! Actually he looked more like one of those funny animals people make out of those skinny balloons, only he was wearing a GPS strapped to his front leg.

GeeGee couldn’t stop barking when she saw him. She was so tickled by his appearance that she rolled on her back and pedaled her paws in hysterical delight! That is one cute poodle!  I think I am starting to have some special feeling for that cutie!  Then we all started barking. We were so happy just to be alive and together, cause just a couple of days ago the world seemed so empty with all the Human Beans gone.  We rolled over and over and over on the front lawn until we were all covered with grass and twigs and leaves.  We ran around in a circle, each with his or her nose sniffing the other’s poo place.  After that we ran in the opposite direction and this way and that till we knew each other very well indeed!  A dog can tell so much from this type of investigation he could write a whole book about that particular dog.  A human could never believe it, because you can fib with a handshake, but a poo place never lies!

This is what I learned about Franz:  He is descended from a long line of dachshunds that stretches back (no pun intended!) to the time of Kaiser Wilhelm where his great-great-great-great-grandschnauzer was the Kaiser’s favorite pet.  The Kaiser never went anywhere without Franz’ g-g-g-g-grandschnauzer stuffed in his big red pocket.  His name was Heinrich Horst von Shmutzer (his chums called him Heiny Horse Shmutz for short), but the Kaiser always called him “my little sausage shnitzel”, and loved to tease him by hanging him over a meat grinder by his little hind legs and threatening to turn him into a real sausage!  The Kaiser wasn’t a very nice man!  In fact, once the Kaiser had the imperial baker bake a long roll exactly the length of poor Heinrich.  When the Kaiser got the roll he split it down the middle, put Franz’ great, great, great, great into it and slathered him with whole grain mustard and sauerkraut, thus inventing the Kaiser roll and the hot dog at the same moment.

TheKaiser put the little royal doggie on a big plate with some German potato salad and a pickle and served him on a covered platter to his wife for lunch!!  That Kaiser Wilhelm, he liked a good practical joke!  But it wasn’t so funny to Franz’s g-g-g-g-grandschnauzer or the Kaiser’s wife. When the cover was lifted, Heinrich Horst von Shmutzen took off down the hall and escaped down a drainpipe leaving the royal palace forever.  The Kaiser was so furious he declared World War I (don’t believe that story about Archduke Ferdinand – that was a cover up!).  Heinrich stowed away on a steamer bound for America where he met Mathilda Muncherhausen.  They fell in love and the rest is (or was) history. Franz himself was born in Cleveland, the runt of a litter of eight wiener dogs. He adopted wearing a monocle to separate himself from the rest.  Franz was adopted by an optometrist by the name of Ziggy Zigenheimer who disappeared in Cleveland along with the rest of the human race last Tuesday.

Franz confirmed that he hadn’t seen a single human or dog on his journey from Cleveland to my house.  Though he tried to put on a gruff Germanic attitude I could see behind his eyes he was scared and very happy to see some friendly faces.  I gotta admit I was glad to see him, too. We were all kinda scared, you know, but at least now we were three.  I wondered if Chopper would make it?  Maybe he will provide us with some answers!


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