Hello out there! Picasso here. Yes, the dog! Isn’t there somebody else out there? If there is I have some news. Big news, considering how small the world seems to be now.
GeeGee, Franz and me were out and about yesterday freeing cats, parakeets, gerbils, iguanas and an assortment of other furry, feathery and leathery creatures from pet shops all over town. It was GeeGee’s idea, of course. What a doggie she is, beauty and brains! GeeGee realized that the food and water in all the pet shop cages must be pretty run out, so she Googled all the pet shops in Indianapolis and we’ve been freeing all those poor critters as fast as we possibly can. You may be wondering how we can cover so much territory on our little legs. It is Indianapolis after all, and there are 18 pet shops scattered all over town!
It was Franz who came up with the idea, and I must say, for a wiener dog (no offense), he’s pretty clever and his monocle does make him look like a very long four legged college professor. Franz’ idea was to grab one of those electric buggies at the supermarket that handicapped and overweight people used to go up and down the aisles. With a little teamwork Franz worked the pedals, I steered, and GeeGee was in the basket, giving directions from the Mapquests she downloaded. We’ve been able to cover almost half of the 18 pet shops. When the batteries ran down we just looked for another supermarket and comandeered another buggy.
One of the benefits of being a doggie is that we really live in the moment. We don’t regret the past or worry about the future like the Beans did. In fact, if we hadn’t read about it in their books, or heard about it in their songs, or had seen it in their movies, we wouldn’t even have a concept of past or future, cause for a doggie it’s just now. Now, now, now! And let me tell you, it’s a great way to live! Those concepts of past and future didn’t do the Beans much good. All those miserable “woulda, coulda, shoulda” thoughts. All that regret about the past and all that hope and fear about the future. That’s right! A lot of good it did them now that they’re all gone.
The three of us weren’t missing the Beans, I’ll tell you that. Whenever we see a tv that’s still on (they all seem to be showing “Gone With the Wind” over and over) we turn it off, and slowly Indianapolis is returning to a more natural state where you can hear yourself think again. There’s room now for the wind to rustle through the leaves without having to compete with some reality show being blasted at you from all over. How ironic that so many billions of Beans had to watch reality on TV, when if they just turned off their screens reality would have appeared all around them and they could have enjoyed the real thing!
It’s a brave new world, my friends (if there are any more of you out there), and if we can ever figure out where all the doggies are we’ll have a chance to rebuild the world without all those Beans to mess things up! But we still haven’t a clue as to where all the doggies have gone. Meantime we’re doing what we can to free everybody. Tomorrow we’re going to the zoo and free whoever is there. I just hope someone is doing the same thing in all the other cities of the world. If you can read this, head to the nearest pet shop. There’s a cockateel that desperately needs your help!
Now to the big news! When me, GeeGee and Franz got back to my house after our pet shop run, it was almost dark. There, lying on the steps to the front door, was a dark shape. We couldn’t make it out till we got closer and then we saw with our own six eyes and smelled with our own three noses that it was a doggie curled up on the welcome mat! We saw he was shivering and we could smell even more. This dog was hurt and he was scared! We ran right up to him and, believe it or not, the poor doggie was wearing a backwards baseball cap and a gold chain. It was Chopper! That’s right! He had made it! But just barely. I mean he was barely breathing! We all licked him and pushed our bodies close to his to warm him up. After a while he opened his eyes, but they just fluttered for a few seconds and closed again.
Chopper! Whatever had happened to him on his trip here it must’ve been really, really, really bad! We didn’t know if he was going to live or die! GeeGee asked him a lot of questions but he didn’t answer any of them. His chest just heaved up and down and he shivered from his baseball cap to his tail. GeeGee ran into the house, pulled a big towel out of the laundry basket and came back with it. We rolled Chopper onto it. He moaned and groaned when we moved him, but finally we were in the house with the door shut behind us.
GeeGee turned on the front burner of the stove with her nose and I got some water going in a pot and threw some beef bouillon cubes into it (couldn’t unwrap them, of course, no thumbs!). Franz was looking after Chopper as best he could. First he examined him all over and found a lot of cuts that looked like bites. Franz licked these wounds with his long wiener tongue. The real truth is that a lick of a dog’s tongue is the best medicine you can get even though the common Bean knowledge is that a doggie tongue was not such a nice place to meet. But that was all part of the ancient Elder Doggies’ plan for our long-term survival way back in Egyptland.
Most things Beans know about doggies are exactly the opposite of how they really are. The dirty tongue idea is just one more piece of false information the Elders spread to save us doggies from being oppressed by the Beans. If the Beans knew our tongues could cure cancer, how many of us dogs would be drinking water through straws right now instead of goofily lapping it up the way we do and getting water all over the place?
When Franz was finished licking Chopper’s wounds he dragged some doggie blankets over and wrapped Chopper up real good. By then GeeGee and me had some broth in a bowl and tried to get Chopper to eat a little. He opened his eyes then. I guess he was feeling a little better from Franz’ tongue bath and he must have smelled the warm soup. But he wouldn’t eat. That’s right! We tried and tried, but he just turned his head away. Finally he turned to us and I got a good look at the doggie who emailed me from Barnes and Noble. He’s a mixed breed and the cap covered his ears, but I could tell and smell he was a real smart doggie who knew how to live on the street with the best of them. Who could have done this to him? And how he must have fought to save his own life!
We tried to get him to have some of the beef broth again. This time he had enough strength to speak. He said: “Chopper here. Made it. Just! Attacked by Splurgles!” Whiskers! Splurgles! And he was still alive!
“Eat some soup, Chopper. Please!” GeeGee implored. I could see how worried she was.
“Sorry, Doll,” Chopper whispered, “Never eat that stuff.”
“Vhy not?” Franz asked.
“Can’t dudes. I’m a vegan.” A vegan! Unbelievable! And his name was “Chopper”!! Later we found out it was short for “Carrot Chopper”. GeeGee looked at me.
“Yes, GeeGee?” I answered. “Do we have a juicer?”