Hello out there! Anybody home? This is Picasso calling. No, not the painter, Picasso, the dog! That’s right! I’m a dog and I don’t usually send out messages on the internet. In fact, I’m sworn not to! Cause dogs aren’t supposed to think, write, etc., much less work a computer. But I must break the Secret Sacred Doggie Oath! The oath all us dogs have sworn since Ancient Egyptland not to reveal how smart we all are, so our human masters won’t feel threatened that we’re twice as smart as they are so they’ll take care of us and give us homes for free! I’m just an ordinary dog, nothing special, really. And I’m sorry I have to break my sacred oath, but I’ve got to! Something terrible (I think) has happened!
I woke up this morning, like usual, only it wasn’t like usual! When I got out of my Tempurpedic dog bed, direct from the Orvis catalog, by the way, I ran to the kitchen expecting to see young Tim and Suzie, Mom and Dad and get my breakfast. What do you think I found? Nothing! No one was there! I have to say it again. Everyone was gone. Gone, gone, gone!! So I started barking, louder and louder, but no one answered! That’s right! I looked out the living room window and all the neighbors’ cars were in their driveways but no one was home! No kids were walking to the school bus. There wasn’t a single car on the street. Not a sound but the birds chirping. Nothing. Where was everyone? Hello out there, this is Picasso!
If you can read this, email me at PicassoTMutt@gmail.com! I just set up the account, no problem. No one asked if I was a dog, so I didn’t have to lie. I’m all alone here, all the doors are locked and I can’t get out! And I’m h-u-u-n-n-g-r-y!! I know I’m breaking the secret sacred doggie oath, but I’m desperate! I’m scared and I want breakfast! So if you can read me please send me an email quick! I don’t care if you’re a human bean or a cow! I’ve been running around the house for two hours and everyone is gone. Gone, gone, gone!! And I’m locked in. And I’m h-u-u-n-n-g-r-y!
Picasso: Yah! I hear you. I, too, am without peoples. I vas haffing a dream dat I vas being chased by a dogcatcher dat looked like Bob Barker und he vas barking, too! I vas running and running, as fast as a frankfurter dog can, und suddenly I see a brick vall a hundred yards avay. Yah, a red brick vall and den der vall starts coming toward me und der catcher, he’s getting close, und der vall and der catcher closer und closer und I know in a second I vill be a Frankfurter sandwich! Yah!! Und den, chust at der final second, der catcher turns into a big steamroller und der vall turns into Oprah Winfrey, und dey are going to crush me into kibbles und bits… und den, vat you tink? Dey turn into nice people from PETA und ve all sit down und haff a cup of coffee! Yah! Coffee mit strudel! It vas a good dream after all!
But den, den I voke up und I tink der dream begins all over again! I don’t haff so fancy a dog bed as you, Picasso. Mein herrings got mine from der Salvation Army, I’m tinking, because it smelled so good. My nose put on der register five thousand twenty-six smells all over. Yah! Dat must haff been a very busy bed! Vell, I got up and stretched like alvays. First der back legs, VON, TWO, VON, TWO! Den der front legs, VON, TWO, VON, TWO! Like always. Den der wiener body… CIRCK, CRACK, CRICK, CARACK! I get at least two inches longer mit dat stretch. Yah! So now comes der scary part. I run to der Momma’s and Poppa’s room to vake dem up like always and, mein hunt, dey are not dere! I tink dey must be up already so I run to der odder bedrooms to vake der little nippers, und, hunt in himmel, dey are gone, too!
Den I run down to der kitchen und I don’t smell der morning coffee und no Pop Tarts popping out from der toaster. I only smell sixteen hundred and forty-five udder smells which don’t mean nutting because all der peoples is missing. Yah! Und I’m tinking dis is der same dream I vas haffing und I vill vake up. Den I try to vake myself up by running into der door of der oven, and OY! I gave myself a good klop, but still no Momma, Poppa und der nippers. Den I know I am not dreaming still. You know vat I am feeling now, Picasso? No, I do not feel lonely. I feel h-u-u-n-n-g-r-y mit no Momma und Poppa to feed me. Und, yah, I’m scared too, but mostly h-u-u-n-n-g-r-y! Den I know I must do something. I must break der doggie secret promise. Yah! Der is notting else to do! So I climb up on der Poppa’s computer chair und get on der internet. Oh, if my peoples knew I vas vatching dem and could do everyting dey do. Vat a shock to dere system, I’m betting. Yah!
Den, I look for der news and you know vat, Picasso? Dere is no news! Only dis one blog from a hunt named Picasso, und so I am writing and I just vant to say one ting to you, my new friend….. HEELLLP!! Yah! FRANZ
Franz, I’m so relieved to hear from someone even if it’s just a wiener dog (no offense) At least now I know I’m not crazy! Just sit tight, I’m getting some more emails. I’ll get back to you and tell me vere, I mean where, you live. I hope it’s not Dusseldorf!!
Hi Picasso, GeeGee here. Little beige poodle License #1003526. I think I’ve seen you out walking. You have big round spots, right? You look a little like a piece of modern art. Am I right? Ain’t this somethin’? My peeps are gone, too! I never thought I would break the secret sacred doggie oath, but what are you gonna do? This is an emergency! Yeah, I was hungry too, and I went outside to pee (I have a doggie door and I sleep on a real bed with lots of stuffed, pink toys all around). My peeps just gave me a little stuffed Angry Bird and it looked so mad I tore it to pieces because I don’t tolerate negative thinking, revenge and all. I think I know where you live. I’m gonna come over right now and see if I can set you free! GeeGee
That’s great, GeeGee! I think I know you, too. You’re kind of cute. I wanted to smell your poo place and learn all about you, but you know… the leash bit. What we put up with! And we being twice as smart as the Beans. They think they can yank us around wherever they want cause we’re the ones wearing the collar. Now where are they when we need them? Picasso
Dude! I saw your blog! Same deal with me but I’m a street hound. No fancy bed for me. Any place is good to flop after I do da run-run all day and dig french fries and salad trash from MickeyDee’s dumpster. But today’s been weird, dawg. Way weird! The Humaniacs are gone from the scene, Dude. I mean real gone! Not one living stressed-out peoploid did I see today
chasin’ me off their stuff, and no kidzoids throwin’ junk at me and laughin’ cause I wear a backwards baseball cap and a gold chain. I know I shouldn’t… the sacred doggie code and all that, but dawg, I’m an individualist, you know? Like outta some Ayn Rand novel. No secret oath is gonna hold me back, and believe me, chollo, I’ve paid for it! But they don’t got me yet. I’m like the John Dillinger of dogs, and today it looks like I’m on top, cause there isn’t a Humonster in sight, anywhere!
When I saw all those fools were gone I figured it was my time to finally let loose. I mean, LET IT LOOSE!! Like how we’re way smarter than those dang bipeds but shut it all down to keep alive. If they knew how smart we really are you think they’d let us breathe? Or worse, they’d put us to work doin’ some of the dumb things they do. Yeah, those were some smart
dogs back in Egyptland that figured out the super-secret doggie code. For sure there woulda been some huge dog-peoploid war if they knew what we really can do. And one thing I know about Humaniacs, you can’t beat ‘em when it comes to war. Specially if you don’t got no opposable thumbs!
I saw there was no one to stop me so I dug my way into a Barnes and Noble and hacked into their computer system. I was lookin’ for some answers, budro, know what I’m sayin’? Well, I was a ding-dong-doggie when all I saw was your scrip. I mean it was gone! The wholehuman schizoid thing… I mean all that “Buy this, kill that” jive is history, I’m sayin’. And
you know, dawg, it proved me right to live by my own rules, cause now all those rule-makin’ fools have left the planet. Now K-9 is King, bro. Know what I’m sayin’, mutt-buggy? It’s our time to ruckus! So email me where your pad is and I’ll find you. I don’t care if you’re in Oshkosh, Okeefenokee or Oswego. I’ll get there and we’ll p-a-a-r-t-y! Chopper
Guys, I’m starvin’. My Purina Dog Chow was locked up. Couldn’t open any doors cause they’re modern, no handles! Everything’s modern in this house. I think that’s why they picked me at the pound. Cause I look like a Picasso, sort of. My real name was Ralph, but they didn’t care, of course, about my lineage way back to Egyptland. Some kind of strangeness is going on!. All the Beans are gone, I’m alone, I break the secret oath, hear from all of you. This is a little much, even for a smart dog like me!
I live at 742 Maplecrest, Indianapolis, Indiana. Can you get here? You’ve got to get me out! I’m h-u-n-n-gry! Picasso
Yah! I know dat Indianapolis from der famous battleship! I go und get a GPS from der Radio Shack and be der in two shakes of der doggie’s tail!. Yah! Franz
I read you 4×4, pard. I’m not far. Just gotta finish chewin’ up all the dog trainin’ books in the B&N and I’m bouncin’. Ah, sweet revenge! The doggie secret is no mo’. We can be what we were always meant to be, Masters of the Dog-i-verse! Now I’m gonna stoke up on some tempeh for the trip and put this show on the road! Adios! Chopper